I left you with my therapist, Vickie believing I am bipolar. As I said, it was very difficult to receive that as an actual diagnosis at the psychiatrists office. They did finally diagnosis it after a couple of weeks. That was the beginning of December.
Since I was diagnosed, I have been on so many medications. At one point, I was on 6 prescriptions plus the supplements I take. It is a lot. They change every visit as they work to see what I am most receptive to. We have NOT found the right combination. It is nerve wracking!
Sadly, there is no magic antidote. No magic ending. There’s just been so many med changes. So many ups and downs of emotions. Apps to track my moods. Research and questions to find a better solution for ME. It just isn’t there, which is hard for impatient me.
After battling the med changes every couple of weeks, I ended up having another extremely bad spell. I hated life. I hated everyone. I didn’t want to exist. I was no good to anyone. This is real. Nothing you could say would make me feel any different when I get to this point. Vickie is such a support for me that she allows texts and emails, as needed. I was nonstop with her that day. I was wired.
You know it’s bad when your therapist says it’s time to go. Vickie said it’s time. Less than 3 months after my last visit I am in the hospital for the third time. Talk about feeling low. Talk about feeling worthless. Talk about feeling alone, helpless, and hopeless. That’s where I was.
Daniel and I knew this wouldn’t be a short visit compared to the others (3 days and 5 days). We knew things just weren’t right and we needed to figure it out so maybe it prevents ever having another visit. It was hard. Hard to have just had a fight but have to leave the ones you love. Not knowing if you’ll be forgiven.
The process to get into the hospital proved to be a long one this time. I was in the ER in a private room for 24 hours before a bed even opened up at the psych hospital. That means 36-38 hours before even STARTING treatment.
Overall this stay was the most pleasant. It’s hard to talk about as it is viewed as a negative thing. A sort of bad memory. But, you know what? I actually made some really good friends. All of us females, ranging from 19-40 years old. Hanging out, laughing, listening, supporting. When you’re in a place like that, people NEED to laugh, need to feel a friend. You may not know, but you only get visits for 2 hours a day. One day was mine and Daniel’s anniversary. 6 YEARS!!! He came to visit, but due to miscommunication and flu restrictions, we couldn’t see each other that night. They showed up and had to leave without a visit. That did not go well. But we survived. My friends helped distract me.
The other times I’ve been in the hospital, I’ve never had people I connected with. There have been fun conversation or keeping each other busy but that’s it. This was the first time we all decided to keep in contact. One lady I especially connected to was BP and a mom. It was just a good feeling to not feel alone. The point is that none of us would’ve expected any of the others to not be ok. When I look at their social media, I definitely see strong and beautiful women. People are so quick to create pictures in their minds of a mental health patient. We are regular people!!! We are your friend. We are your parent, your sister, your brother. We are your neighbor, your coworker. Fighting silently so we aren’t viewed as weak. It’s a hard battle.
It’s only been a little over a month since I came home. They didn’t change my meds much really. They honestly attributed it to my BPD (borderline personality disorder) instead of my BD (bipolar disorder). I don’t agree at all. It’s a constant battle the past two times when the hospital ups one med but I get out and we realize it wasn’t the right move. As of right now, I am still trying to come off of a couple of them so we can focus on the two we believe are working well. I am still having major irritability and anxiety so we will have to address that but the moods seem better for now which is a great thing. I will keep you posted after we see how the next appointment goes.
Roses are Red 