I have a ton going through my brain. I had no words for posts until now when my brain has settled and adjusted to the current norm with the pandemic, if that’s possible. I have had a few panic attacks and many conversations with my therapist. I had nothing coming to me for this ‘blog escape’ of mine.
The truth is, I feel like I’ve exploded all of this stuff in a short amount of time. Crazy info people have NO clue about. The blog is supposed to be for others, people that are struggling and can relate, strangers. Yes, strangers. The problem is that when you start a blog, the only people who read it are your friends. You know, you post it anywhere possible to find new readers. New strangers.
So, today something popped into my head and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Did you know I HATE writing? Like I hate when people suggest that I should journal. Ok. That’s just going to cause me more anxiety because I have another weight on my shoulders. An obligation I won’t be able to follow through with. Lumped with all of those lost hopes in the corner of my life. But blogging is different. It just is. I can spill my brain. I can lay low. It is a choice and not an obligation and I like that.
Anyway, that thought that I had. This involves a ton of info and I can’t get to it all right now. One reason being that it’s a ton of detail and hard to put in the blog post. Two is that it’s a touchy subject. Like deep down personal. I think it will help me heal to talk about it though and so I want to slowly work through it.
Ok. Now that I’ve ran that circle…… my girls don’t live with me full time. Their dad has custody. My heart breaks just even acknowledging that. I try as much as I can to pretend life isn’t the way it is. I know. Not healthy.
There are a ton of parts to this story, like a lot, but the gist of it is they wanted to try living with their dad so I let them. I signed papers and he has custody and he will probably never, I mean EVER, change that even if the girls asked. That breaks me. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You don’t grow up thinking that you’ll have children just for another women to take your role in their life and be mom. To raise them.
I have come a long way since the change about 8 months ago. It was like a severed limb in the beginning. I couldn’t breath. The pain was so strong. My mental health took a turn for the worst. I just kept sinking in this stupid hole I call my life.
I tried to keep it to myself. For many reasons, I did. You wanna know what the biggest reason is?? Judgements. The only reason I’ve known of a mother not having custody is because she was unfit and unable to care for the kids. But that wasn’t me. Would people think that of me?? Would they judge me when really I was barely hanging on and needed all of the support I could get? I do have to say I have had some awesome friends who have overfilled that role. And, of course I had my super supportive husband, too!
It’s just hard. And I’ve fought daily, torturing myself that I’m not a good enough mother. Telling myself they’re probably better there anyway because of my mental health struggles. What a crappy life they were living next to me. I was dragging them down. Or so my head would tell me.
So as I sat there, giving my baby girl a bath tonight, getting her lotioned and ready for bed, taking in that sweet baby smell, it dawned on me. My life sucks. I have another sibling who doesn’t have custody of their children either and I’m like, dang, 2 out of 6 of my parents kids don’t have custody. How embarrassing. I’m such a failure. I want my life to be “NORMAL”. It’s not fair!!!
Then I felt a smack to my heart. It was such a wake up I almost jumped for joy. Maybe when I tell you, it won’t be as life altering for you as it was for me. But I’m going to share it anyway. What if my life is perfect?? What if I’ve been so down about so many things in my current and recently past life that I’m causing myself to see it worse than it is. Sort of. I mean it does suck. But what I mean is it’s ok if my life isn’t what I thought normal should be. Normal for me is my girls being at their dads. My bonus girls with their mom. Normal for me is having our home split three ways. Split summers. Split weekends. Some kids one week, some the other, and yet a different set the next. That’s life. That’s MY life. I can’t change it. That’s what it is.
Maybe in some ways I chose to own it. Accept it. It’s MINE!! And I love it!! It sucks so bad sometimes, but I will tell you it brings so much more joy. It makes me treasure my children and I don’t take any of them for granted. I love each one of my five daughters that are only here sometimes. Because ya know what?! I don’t only love them sometimes. I love them even when they’re gone. I get to be creative and find ways to connect. A text here, some mail there. Video chat here, and a note there. I get to be the creative me. I get to bring out the parts of me that were overshadowed by my mental health this past year. I have been so far gone in the past that I felt like a failure. But today I realize that this, in some ways, allows me to be the best ME. Allows me to SEE them and give to them instead of always being taken over by my struggles. I didn’t have much to give.
If you asked me what would be my dream arrangement, what I want my family to “look” like (and my therapist just did ask and this was my answer), I’d say my dream is having all nine of us living together in one state, in one home, and all getting along and loving. I’ve been so focused on that for so long I thought I couldn’t be happy if it was any other way.
I’m wrong! I didn’t realize that in some ways that is over reaching. No family loves each other perfectly ALL the time. So why would a blended family? For the most part, the kids are happy and taken care of. As summer approaches, I can see the many days ahead that we will spend together and my heart soars! The other thing, the thing that is so easy to over look, is my sweet little ones. They are 2 and 5. Life for them has not been easy. They have been burdened more than any sweet little one should. They have to deal with two sets of siblings coming and going. They have to deal with one set living in a different state. They have to see the stress of co-parenting times 3 (or 4 or 5 or 6?? I’m really not sure. There are 4 adults for each set of girls) and T and K are troopers. They deserve a wonderful childhood. I get to do that for them more than ever right now. It’s fun to have the simpler life for a bit. Create memories for T and K to grow up with. Good memories.
I don’t know if I even explained the change in my mind very well. There’s no normal. None. Zip. My life is my life. Your life is your life. And no two lives are the same. And you can’t repeat your childhood. (If you want to. Some people may be trying to escape theirs). My life is MY normal. My normal. And I kind of like my normal. I have 7 beautiful and wonderful children. They are mine. And I love them. I would do anything for them and they definitely know that!! We have happy family movie nights. We have memorable family trips. We have us. Family. That’s what I want my children to have. Our family. And they have that. Even if it looks different to someone else. No two families are the same and they never will be and now that I can accept that and see the beauty in my family, I can find joy. I CAN. I may have to come back and re-read this many times to refresh my memory of this day but my heart just feels peace. My family is best…..for me.
Roses are Red 