Writing has been on my mind. I started this blog to share all of my ups and downs and struggles. There used to be many, but right now my psychiatrist has me on a good cocktail of medications. I am super happy about that! It is a relief. It does come with many thoughts for me. Uncertain thoughts. This is all new to me. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a good place.
I think it’s been about 3 months now that I’ve been in this good place. It’s really weird. I can think. I can feel my moods and it allows me to adjust before those moods explode. It’s a good thing but that awareness can feel overwhelming sometimes.
I am so used to loud, uncertain emotion and explosive behavior that for it to be more balanced, leaves me feeling uneasy waiting for the earth to shake. Constantly waiting for the chaos.
I can almost hear Vickie telling me to stop thinking so much. I just don’t know how to do that. It’s a feeling (I feel) I can’t control. I’m so used to the chaos my brain just waits for it like a baby waiting in her crib for her mom to come pick her up after her nap. It’s a known occurrence. But I have to retrain that feeling. Because if I want to heal, I have to learn to let the chaos go and accept the calm regulated emotions.
There still are hard days. The past few days I feel so frustrated because I swear Daniel is mad or annoyed at me. He claims he isn’t. And it is so like me to sit and let it fester and believe he is and let it grow into this big nonexistent blob of irritation. He knows it’s coming. I now know it’s coming. I never used to see it before but I’ve learned to see the signs. I’m learning to try and ride it out before I make it a thing. Every comment I want to add to the pile of “see, he said that, he’s mad” or “ugh I knew he hated me”. Because these are reality to me. These are thoughts I hear. I convince myself I’m unlovable and have done something that would make him mad at me. All because he was annoyed at some stupid thing like stepping on something sticky on the kitchen floor that the kids had left and he let that trail into his tone and I let that spiral into a “me” thing. I must’ve done something. It’s all me. He’s allowed to be annoyed. I just have to learn to stop thinking it’s all because of me. That’s the hard part.
Just as I got a little off topic there, I do the same in my reactions to the world around me. I take it and spiral. These are the hard days. These are things medications can’t heal. These are things some people may experience on occasion but I do constantly which makes it unhealthy. This is why I need help. This is why it’s a constant battle and regulation of my emotion and emotional reactions.
For the past few months I’ve done well. I can actually feel myself pause these reactions and redirect my thoughts. Usually. I know it will always be my battle. I am grateful that usually Daniel is able to help me through it. Help me see it. Help me redirect.
It all makes me question, though, will I ever be better? Not perfect, but better? Will I fall back? Will I ever learn? I know most of the answers. I am better (than I was). I will fall, at times. I am learning. The questions still linger, as I’m sure they always will. Why is it I can’t be satisfied with the answers? Why do I always question?
I try to accept the reality. This is me. This is who I am. I may always need help. Daniel, therapy, meds. But I will survive. I will manage it. I may always question but I will grow and learn. I will pray and trust and survive. Things won’t always be calm but they will be as calm as I allow them to be. If I focus on my capabilities instead of my weaknesses, things can be and will be much more calm in my life. It’s all in my perspective.
Roses are Red 