I don’t know why I’m so mean. Today’s blog is probably going to have a different tone because I feel in a different mood. I feel down. I feel flustered. I feel annoyed. Today is just a bad day. I have a migraine and I don’t give a damn about one thing.
Was I raised to have a mean mouth? Is it born into me? Is it all I know or is it something that can’t be changed? Something that was destined to be that is out of my control. Is that possible? Am I just reaching?
Here’s the thing. I have such a tender heart. I care to the core. My heart aches when yours aches. My tears come when yours come. I want to bring hope and love to all and save the world. That’s me. I hate seeing others in pain. So why do I cause it? Pain.
Every time I open my mouth I cause pain. Ok. I’m exaggerating. I’d say 65% of the time. That’s a lot. But I can honestly assure you that none of it (ZERO!) is intentional. Promise. Zip. So why does it happen? I tear myself apart trying to answer that very question.
See, it’s not a thought out tone. It just shouts out. And the sad thing is, is that I don’t even know it. You look at me with those confused eyes, those hurt expressions, and I stop. I can’t comprehend it and then it hits. Shit. I did it. Again. I smacked you right across your face. Hard as can be and I didn’t even feel my hand move. Figuratively anyway.
You know what’s sad? Some of my family does it too. They think it’s funny. They make jokes about it. Ugh the jokes. Like “I can’t help what comes out of my mouth. You’ve been warned” kind of crap. Like, seriously?! You feel like you’re somehow entitled to treat people like shit and I’m over here tearing myself apart in anguish that I freaking burned another soul that I love and so desperately wish I could take away their pain. The very pain I caused. And you think it’s funny. It’s hard to see that.
There’s no excuse. I don’t know what’s worse. Knowing I’m treating others so badly and I’m horrible for it or not knowing why I do it. In the end I feel like I don’t deserve any love in return. I don’t deserve it. I tell my husband I’d rather be alone than keep hurting over and over.
So what is it? Is it a choice? Is it my mental health? Can I change it? I’m sure I can change it. I WANT to change it. But how do you change something that you don’t know you’re doing? It’s like how I bounce my leg. People get so annoyed and I feel so bad but I don’t know I’m doing it. How can I stop if I don’t know I’m doing it. I have gotten better. I’ve tried and tried to catch myself doing it and stopping it. It’s worked. So I know I can work on it a little but can I ever completely stop? I don’t know. I really don’t know and I hate that.
This is so hard to talk about because people judge. They’re going to read this and think that I’m insane and I’m just being, excuse my language but dare I say, a bitch. I can never explain my heart. I don’t want to do this. I never knew I was even doing anything wrong until I was older and it was pointed out to me. Now I can see it more.
Why do I do it? I’ve asked myself over and over. Someone mentioned they think it’s because of trust. When you think you can’t trust someone and need to defend yourself. When you get scared. You retreat. It’s all a defense mechanism you develop from your childhood usually with borderline. Constantly having to defend. I have to learn to give myself grace. I have to trust myself that I can try harder and do better. I have to trust those around me. Most importantly my therapist to help me make my best choices. I know these things but I don’t know that it’s helping. It’s honestly rearing it’s ugly head more lately and causing lots of issues in my close relationships and life has been rough.
And so I live. Wondering. Hurting. Hanging my head and asking, yet again, for forgiveness.
Roses are Red 