My forever family

To get me and understand the impact of all of these struggles, I felt I should tell the story of my family, how we came to be, and how we have managed. 

I met Daniel in 2013, right after we had both gotten divorced. We met online through a church dating website and it was so crazy how many connections we had through friends and family. After we got to know each other pretty well, we decided we were meant to be a forever family. 

There’s a ton of comical stuff to say about our relationships beginning but I don’t think you want to read a book so I won’t give you every single detail. 

Daniel and I had a rough beginning because of the borderline which I didn’t know about at the time. Borderline is sometimes referred to as the I hate you, I need you disorder. You love someone so much but then you just push them away because of trust. Not because of them. It is because of something they had no part of. I can’t tell you how many times I cried divorce. 

Anyhow, we got married five days after what was supposed to be our wedding date because I called it off. Again borderline/possibly bipolar. Despite all of the dark times of my mental illness, we have had many good times. I have three girls and he had two girls. I will refer to each by their first initial when talking about them. For reference, upon marriage, I had ages 3, 6, and 8. He had ages 3 and 5. All girls. So much fun. I’m definitely a girl mom. 

After we were together for a year and a half, T came along. Our only boy. He is his dads twin in every sense of the word. I think after he came, things escalated so much. Looking back I can see so much more clearly.

Two and half years after T was born, we added our caboose whom we had not expected to have, but felt inspired to have and we followed that inspiration. Man, I do not regret that. Someday I will explain the dynamics of that part of our life.

In the end, at this point in life, we have: M(14), H(12), M(11), C(9), K(9), T(4), and K(2)!! There are 6 girls and 1 boy. Some people feel we have our hands full and I have to explain that it doesn’t feel that way. We mesh so well. We aren’t all together full time so when a time comes that we are all together, you better believe I make as many memories as I can. They’re all my world. 

That’s us in a nutshell. There’s days we have problems but there are so many more memories than bad. We truly are a blessed family.

The evil twin

Yesterday, I told you about my bipolar disorder diagnosis. Before I was even diagnosed with that (a year before), I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

The truth is, 20% (if not more) of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2 are also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. That’s a lot. Most of the people I have met have a diagnosis of both, which feels like more to me.

http://sites.utexas.edu/pharmacotherapy-rounds/files/2015/09/norman10-17-14.pdf

This is undoubtedly the “evil twin”. Alone, each is extremely life altering. Together it is extremely difficult to break apart to manage and also deal with the acceleration of symptoms.

Bipolar disorder is a chemical disorder in the brain. It is treated with medication (usually mood stabilizers). Borderline personality disorder has no medication to treat it. It is brought on by childhood trauma or neglect. Therapy is all that can help it.

These different treatments are exactly why it is hard to pinpoint the origin of the symptom! It is a whirlwind in your life trying to get it all right. It can take YEARS to find the right medication “cocktail” to help each individual.

We were trying mood stabilizers for my bipolar because, let me tell you, there is moodiness. It hits in the spur of the moment and then twenty minutes later it’s gone. The funny thing is THAT is the exact description I gave my husband from my past, thinking I was awesome for letting go so easily. Little did I know this was NOT “normal”. There is no “cocktail” for me yet. I’ve been struggling for 18 months or more to get it right. I have a huge sensitivity to many medications so it seems each time I try one there’s a reaction. I even had a genetic test done to determine which meds work best for me yet it’s not helping in all ways.

I am also doing therapy with a psychologist twice a week. She has proven to be someone who truly gets me and how I work. I didn’t think that would be possible. Sometimes it is hard for me to put into practice the things we discuss because my brain thinks too much and over processes everything. I make everything so difficult. It’s a pain.

The following shows the similarities between the two.

http://sites.utexas.edu/pharmacotherapy-rounds/files/2015/09/norman10-17-14.pdf

As you can see, it’s some pretty major symptoms and I can say that I have experienced pretty much EVERY SINGLE ONE. It is horrible and I have been in shock and slow-accepting of it all. I just can’t wrap my brain around it all. I hope this paints a much better picture of me and my life with the “evil twins”.

The beginning of the middle

There’s a huge part of me that hates starting in the middle of a story. You start at the beginning and tell (or read) your way though. For this post, I really have to start where I’m at and see where the road leads me.

The past 18 years of my life have been extremely difficult. But, see, I didn’t know it then. When I did notice, was 6 years ago. The past 6 years of my life have been hell. No one around would ever know a difference besides those I’m close to. The only person who knows best is my husband who, sadly, has taken the brunt of it.

Although we were married 6 years ago, that has nothing to do with the disaster of my life. I love him, despite the fact that for 6 long, excruciating years I have almost cried divorce as often as I’ve said I love him. Not quite that close, but it feels like it. This wonderful man, my rock, has stood by me this whole time. Now before you tell me not to take all of our problems (every couple has them, right?) on myself, he has his own to deal with. What I’m saying though is dealing with what I was throwing would be no easy feat for any person I know.

The first 3-1/2 years of our marriage was like a roller coaster. It was nauseating. I would scream and yell so much. In defense, I’m sure he’d respond but I was going through a horrible time and I could feel it, but I couldn’t put a damn finger on what was causing all of this chaos I call my brain. It was a scary place where I was driven by a motor I couldn’t control. I was mean, I was hateful, and yes, I often screamed the d word. Divorce.

There’s a lot to this story. I can’t tell it all in one post. Maybe this blog is an urge inside me to get my story out. To help someone else. So I will skip through some parts to share what’s on my heart tonight.

Where were we? Oh, the D word. You see, the first time I said it was right before our wedding before divorced technically applied. I ran scared, or thought it was the right move, from my honey and called off the wedding. It was Valentine’s Day. A day I’ll forever remember from what should’ve been our anniversary. And from that day forward, it was thrown out there every time we had an argument. I really don’t know how or why he stuck around.

Oh, and just so you know, on the 19th (5 days after I said no) as soon as he jumped out of the shower, I told him to get dressed we were going to the courthouse! We were lucky he had a boss who was a friend and who truly supported it. She said not to come in and to go get married!

At some point, after locking myself in bathrooms in an emotional fireball to punching a hole in a door, we realized it was time to seek help. Well, I think I drug my feet but nonetheless we went. I went through a couple therapists, none providing results. Through a guided hand above we stumbled our way to the amazing lady I now call my therapist. She is insanely smart and on the spot. I’m not sure how it even worked out but it did.

It wasn’t always that perfect. It took 18 months (or so) for me to have opened up enough and poured out my soul a little at a time for her to suggest bipolar disorder (type 2). I couldn’t believe it. I guess in retrospect it was like “DUH” but going through it I thought I was just like all the world. Quite honestly, I have several other diagnosis I will talk about on a different day but this is today’s story.

It has been only 2-1/2 months since that diagnosis. That’s all. It feels like an eternity. It has been even worse (maybe because I know?) and I have been so up and down. Knowing I have it is a million times harder to stop myself while in the moment. I feel so displaced.

Not only was I diagnosed bipolar, I found out it most likely started when I was 19, if not sooner. This means my first marriage (not going into that), my kids as toddlers, and most importantly, my marriage now. You know, to that man who stood by me through it all? I will never stop shining the light on him, no matter what. He is the reason I got help. He is the one who never gave up on me AND told me so. He is the man who picked up all of the pieces and put them back together, even though most were his.

I don’t even know how to explain how bipolar works. I am going to think on that so I can write a post on it and how I experience it. There’s a lot that is hard to share, but if I can help one person not feel alone, then I will. If you know me, some of this is difficult to share with you. But you need to understand it’s not about me. It’s about every single other person struggling with mental health problems out there. They deserve to feel welcome. My strength comes from ending the stigma and reaching out for those swimming in an ocean of uncertainty.

This is Me

Welcome to my blog! I’m Darla and I am married to an amazing guy named Daniel. We are a blended family with 7 kids!!! Crazy, right?!! It is never dull her. If you’re wondering what the blog’s all about, it is my mental health journey with family life posts mixed in. Right now, life is a crazy mess. You can follow along for the ride. Thanks for following! It means a lot.

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